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Hat tip to Pip’s Plate for recommending Gardens of Salonica. This was a rousing finale to Gyro Week. Truth be told, I’d never even heard of Gardens of Salonica, and it’s somewhat difficult to notice from the street. It’s at 5th and Hennepin sandwiched between other shops. There are no lights and the signage is so unobtrusive that I walked by it twice before I realized where it was.

I tried to photograph the gyro alongside a banana to give a sense of scale, but my photo assistant held the banana too close to the lens. The banana isn’t really as big as it looks. Anyway, Gardens of Salonica packed the gyro in a paper box which was a refreshing change from a styrofoam clamshell. Somehow food seems more appealing when it isn’t surrounded by styrofoam. At the bottom of the box are some pan-fried potatoes. Although they are cut into wedges, there is no confusing these potatoes with steak fries. They are sliced more thinly so the ratio of skin to white stuff is optimized. Unlike steak fries which are flavorless, mealy and gross, these potatoes were very chewy and flavorful.

The only other thing in the box was a gyro sandwich. Gardens of Salonica makes lamb gyros which are magically delicious. In texture the gyros is neither spongy nor tough. The chewing experience is reminiscent of well-barbecued lamb. As I was stuffing food into my face, I realized that the gyros also has grill marks! Grilled gyros was a startling concept for me. I had to put my fork down and gather my wits for a moment.

At first glance I thought the white stuff was yogurt sauce but it didn’t have the same thin watery flavor and texture. It was very goopy like thick sour cream. The flavor was a mix of sour cream and feta. It was unbelievably delicious. I wish I had a cake decorator filled with this stuff so I could squirt some into my mouth whenever I’m feeling down.

The crowning glory of this remarkable gyro is the pita. I think they cook these pita on the premises as it was covered with home-made looking singe marks. It was very thick, at least a third of an inch, and very chewy and sour. As I ate this pita I was reminded of perfectly cooked naan. It’s so distinctly superior to the lame pocket bread sometimes served with gyros that it’s almost unfair to lump it into the pita family.

I can’t tell you how glorious it is to have finished gyro week at Gardens of Salonica. After Day 3 I didn’t think I was going to make it. By Day 6 I was paralyzed with dread every time the thought of a gyro entered my mind. But Gardens of Salonica has redeemed my gyro soul. Thanks Pip’s Plate!

I have a “bum wheel”. I don’t know how I did it but somehow I smashed my foot a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to walk right ever since. For a while there I was dragging myself around on my hands, or doing the crab walk through the snow to my car. That was good exercise, and as a special bonus my hands now look and feel like catcher’s mitts. The biggest bummer of all is that I haven’t been able to go snow boarding all winter. But this morning my foot felt pretty good so I drove to Welch Village. I decided to take it easy and stay on the bunny slopes. At Welch, the bunny slope is called “Ladybug Lane” or something like that. It’s totally humiliating but whatever, I’m a humble dude. But I could only go down once because of a throbbing pain that made me want to find an axe and perform an emergency amputation.

On the way home I was really feeling sorry for myself until I remembered, “Holy crap! It’s still gyros week!” Luckily my drive home from Welch took me right past Ali Baba King of Gyros. This place is on Robert Street in West Saint Paul near a Chuck E. Cheese. Recently a Dino’s Gyros opened up across the street. I guess the competition is supposed to benefit gyro consumers or something, sort of like how Starbucks benefits coffee consumers by eliminating independent coffee houses.

Anyway, Ali Baba’s offers a plate with your choice of hummus or rice. I opted for the hummus because I’m sort of burnt out on rice (gasp!) Unfortunately, the hummus was a little watery and lumpy. In consistency it was similar to a granita. I prefer the creamy style of hummus. I like it when the consistency is more like a milk shake. Smack-dab in the middle of the hummus was a delicious black olive. I liked it very much. The white stuff in the corner is yogurt sauce. This sauce was very similar to cottage cheese, both in flavor and texture. It was not particularly flavorful, but it did serve to take some of the salty bite out of the gyros. The gyros was a very faithful rendition of the classic. It didn’t stray too far from the bounds of gyro convention in any way. I don’t blame them for playing it safe with the gyros. With a Dino’s right across the street, they’re probably going to have to play to the widest audience if they want to stay in business.

The special surprise of this gyro experience was the salad. Even though its main ingredient is the hated iceberg lettuce, the dressing is fabulous. It’s tart and sweet and refreshing. I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, the tomato slice was a little mealy.

Jerusalem’s is on 15th and Nicollet at the very mouth of Eat Street. It’s been there forever. The building has a distinctive onion dome. I did something bad at Jerusalem’s. I went to the restroom, which entails walking through the kitchen to a grubby little back room which could double as a torture chamber. Only one thing is more unappetizing than a restaurant kitchen. We’ll get to that later.

So at Jerusalem’s they have shawarma. Shawarma is the Arabic analogue to gyros. I remember eating shawarma at a stand in the Arab quarter of Haifa, Israel while some 11 year old “freedom fighters” chucked grapefruit-sized pieces of pavement at my head. I would have run away, but it was the middle of passover and if I had to eat another matzo I would have dropped dead. So I just stood there hunched over my shawarma while ducking the occasional rock. I personify Extreme Food Journalism.

When I opened up this styrofoam box I was stunned at the bizarre presentation. For a second I thought I had received a box containing only shawarma and steak fries. So I poked around with a fork and discovered a bed of iceberg lettuce drizzled with tahini sauce at the bottom of the tray. I tried to arrange the food elements so everything would be visible in the picture, but the stuff on the bottom was basically smashed down by the prodigious weight of the shawarma and it looked too weird. You’ll have to take my word for it that there’s a cucumber slice down there somewhere. The pita is really pocket bread. Just like the kind you see at the grocery store.

Anyway, in taste, texture and appearance, the shawarma was very similar to beef jerky. I didn’t like it. I guess when you leave shawarma sitting around it turns dark brown and dessicates. I could have guessed the dessication part, but the dark color of this shawarma took me by surprise. The steak fries were pretty good. Also, I enjoyed the tahini sauce. I would have enjoyed it even more if it weren’t on top of limp iceberg lettuce. I couldn’t actually finish the shawarma. There was too much cognitive dissonance. Is it beef jerky? Is it shawarma? Why is it so brown? These were the thoughts racing through my mind.

Earlier I alluded to something more unappetizing than restaurant kitchens. That thing is bellydancers. Jerusalem’s has bellydancers certain nights of the week. I don’t know about you but nothing dampens my enthusiasm for beef jerky like a strange woman gyrating in my face.

Greek Grill is a fast-food place in the skyway. It’s in the same building as Target. I didn’t want to go to this place because I went a couple of weeks ago, but I felt that it was important to have the skyway represented during gyro week. Last time I went with my friend Amanda. Amanda has a very discriminating palate when it comes to Greek food. She didn’t even finished her salad and had to console herself with a Mrs. Fields cookie. But I didn’t go to eat any effin salad. I went for some sweet, sweet meat popsicle.

You might be wondering what the fork is doing in the photograph. On the other end of that fork is Laura who barged in on my photo shoot so she could “see what the rice tastes like.” Then she kept standing around eyeing my gyros hungrily. It was extremely difficult to hold the camera steady while shielding the gyro from her fork. Suffice it to say, this photo is not my best work.

As long as I’m on the subject of rice, I should mention that the Greek Grill bills the yellow stuff as basmati rice. This is not basmati rice. It was suffused with chicken broth which is like no basmati rice I’ve ever heard of. Actually, I think basmati rice refers to some characteristic of the grain, rather than a means of preparation. But it’s never yellow. I didn’t like the chickeny flavor of the rice. It was too salty. Gyros need something sweet to balance the saltiness. Regular basmati rice would have been perfect. I don’t know why Greek Grill has to get jiggy with their rice.

The pita was bizarre. In texture and flavor, it was a lot like the pancakes I make from Bisquick. I felt that it was too cakey in texture. Pita is supposed to be chewy. The texture of the meat was strange indeed. It was like eating a salty brown sponge. Mmmm. Spongy. Denture-wearers would be all over this gyro.

The most striking thing about this gyro is its strong and pervasive odor. This gyros produces much more than 5.99 worth of odor.

Holy Land Deli had a location on Central in North East for years. I never went there but I drove by it about a thousand times. Now they have another location in the Midtown Market which is on Lake Street east of Lyndale about a mile.

My Holy Land gyros experience can be summed in two words: fresh and tangy. I had trouble framing all of the different food elements into a coherent picture but you can see from the photo that the Holy Land gyros plate has fresh romaine lettuce. No lame iceberg lettuce here. Also a couple of fresh tomato wedges. Underneath the pita is a mound of fresh onion which I actually didn’t eat any of. I’m not a raw onion person, truth be told.

At Holy Land, you have a choice between hot sauce, tahini and cucumber sauce. I was sort of intrigued by the hot sauce option but I decided to go with the cucumber since I had cucumber sauce on Day 1 and Day 2. The cucumber sauce basically has no function other than to mellow out the tanginess of the gyros. Biting into the gyros itself is like biting into a lemon-flavored goat. Zingy. Meaty. The pita is chewy and just a little sour. It smells and tastes very yeasty which is odd since I believe that pita is made without yeast. The flavors in this gyros meal will not be frickin denied.

Holy Land gets extra points for value. The platter shown in the picture cost 6.42. I was actually unable to finish my lunch, which is fairly unusual for me. In fact, I ate so much I felt somewhat nauseated and lapsed into a food coma for about an hour.

Fascinating Update: I guess I don’t know much about pita. It turns out pita is made with yeast.