ladies[heart]tk

The big hairy thing in the corner of the picture is Minnesota’s prize pig. All 1200 pounds of him. Some friends of mine actually saw him on his feet, but when I saw him he was lying on his side panting in the heat.

Yep, I visited the Minnesota State Fair last weekend and it was pretty rad. I saw some big ass horses and some goats and stuff, but I lingered at the prize pig pen, gazing in wonderment.

Heres my eating score sheet for the day:

• Foot long hot dog (2x)
• Meatballs on a stick
• Porkchop on a stick
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Corn dog
• Cheese curds

I had my eye on the turkey drumstick but I ran out of time and had to go. Here’s me elbowing my way through the crowd on the way to the All-You-Can-Drink milk tent.

One of the things I like about traveling is sampling the local cuisine. I’ve always wanted to go to Kansas City, for instance, to try the BBQ which is reputed to be “off the hook”, in the parlance of our times. I’m going to Chicago this week for the Rails Edge conference and all I can think about is the food I want to eat when I’m there. Actually I lived in Chicago for five years so I have familiarity with some of the local delicacies. So this trip won’t be so much a journey of discovery, as it will a reunion with dear friends:

• Harold’s Chicken Shack - I already embarassed myself with a rhapsodic description of Chicago’s naughtiest fried chicken, so I don’t need to talk anymore about this except to say, I pity the fool who comes between me and my Dark Half!
• Morrie’s Hot Dog Happy Hour - Morrie’s is a deli in Hyde Park. During happy hour you used to be able to get two Chicago-style hot dogs for 49 cents. For several years, Morrie’s was a key source of nutrition for me. Morrie’s serves hot dogs with a pickle slice and no ketchup. Once a couple of friends of mine almost got into a fist-fight over whether a hotdog “with everything” should contain ketchup and the Morrie’s dog was offered as definitive of the phrase “with everything”. (Yes my friends are losers)
• Gino’s East Pizza - I actually prefer Giordano’s pizza but Gino’s East is a truly bizarre eating experience. The last time I went there I ordered a sausage pizza and was bewildered to find that a solid disk of sausage covered the entire surface of the pizza - all the way to the edges. It was grotesque, but I forced myself to eat it.

Some of you may be wondering at my low-brow taste in food. While not known as a city for fine dining, by all accounts Chicago has some pretty good restaurants. But when I lived there I was utterly impoverished and most of my food purchases were made with change I scrounged from between the sofa cushions. And as a great man once said, “If all food were free, I’d eat at McDonald’s”.

You might have seen this from Andrea’s helpful suggestions in an earlier post but it’s so fantabulastic I had to scrape it out and put it up here. Without further comment I present….Breakfast In a Can. Actually I do have one further comment. I am salivating at the thought of wolfing down the contents of this can - along with a gigantic dollop of fresh creamery butter and some maple syrup. Or fruit compote.

For the time being, I’ve put my dream of being UFC champion on hold. I think I need to set my sights a little lower, considering that when I do crunches, the roll of fat around my middle prevents me from sitting up more than 120°. However, I am still hoping to go to a NAGA tournament in October, so I need to achieve some serious conditioning.

Part of my new fitness regimen is a special diet that is supposed to balance my level of estrogen. The theory is that a lot of commercially produced food is hormonally whack. For instance, they pump cows full of hormones to make them continually lactate. Those hormones get into your body when you inhale a Peanut Buster Parfait making you fat, happy, and guilty all at the same time. There are many indicators of estrogen dominance in males:

• Stubborn belly fat. Check.
• Lack of energy. Check.
• Hair loss. Check.
• Delusional beliefs. Check.

Unfortunately, there is no pill or magical elixir for restoring estrogen balance. You essentially have to eat foods that are low on the food chain. For instance, I can eat berries, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli, seeds, nuts, and small fish. One of the best kinds of small fish to eat is the herring, because they’re full of Omega-3 oils (don’t ask me why that’s good - I haven’t a clue) and because they have less mercury.

So I’ve been trying to eat herrings. A kipper is actually a kind of herring. The word “kipper” refers to a means of preparation. Basically, you split the sucker in half and take out the bones before smoking. Last night I ate a kipper and it was pretty gross, but I ate it anyway, because I was starving and desperate. Laura was all, “You smell like a kipper TK!” which I assume is a bad thing.

I’m mostly recovered from the shameful rout of California Roll Week. I hung my head in disgrace for a while, but now I’m ready to taste-test a new food item for a week. Here’s the rub: I’m trying to lose 50 pounds to be in a lighter UFC weight category, so the food can’t be too fattening. I can’t eat any white food or carbs, but I can always discard bread or noodles that are integral to some other dish. I’m thinking smoothies, but please send me your suggestions. A friend of mine suggested herrings which seemed absurd at the time, but I’m so effin hungry right now, a can of Appel would probably disappear down my food hole in about ten seconds.